Stream of Consciousness Wednesdays

Me: “Hey, how did you like going to New York City with Mommy?”

Big Monkey: “There was a huge line at the Vampire State Building!”

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There was a report on the news today that Steve Hadley, the director of the National Security Council, told Bush that the Iraqi President might be working with the militias to consolidate Shiite power.

No shit? I’m not anywhere close to be a political analyst, but I thought that seemed to be pretty obvious based on what I’m seeing in the news (all the news, by the way, so don’t bother lecturing me about the commie-liberal mainstream media.)

Is the incredibly obvious the best that the NSC can come up with? The lack of coherence, innovation, and plain brainpower in this White House is scary. If you don’t believe me, read “State of Denial.” It’s amazing we were able to invade Iraq- no one knew what everyone else was doing, and no one seemed to want to take responsibility to lead the damn thing.

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I’m predicting I’m going to bust out at Full Tilt. The past 2-3 weeks has been disastrous: I’ve managed to turn $350 to about $65. I’m in a nihilistic shock- I’m not going down in limits, I stubbornly stick to 1/2, risking an ultimate defeat.

It’s been a never ending mélange of long stretches of crappy starting hands, missed flops, not getting paid off for my good hands, and soul-killing suck outs. Playing hands poorly in this situation just magnifies the damage. It would be funny if it was you. But it’s me, so forgive me for not laughing.

I’m afraid, if things don’t turn around, that I’m going to have to do something that I’ve pledged not to do: reload. I would content myself with playing freerolls until after Christmas when I get some mad money if I wasn’t having surgery in a few weeks.

Here’s the paradox: I’m going to be paycheck-less for about a month due to the surgery and I don’t have money to spare, but I'll go stir crazy if I don’t have poker to occupy some of my time.

This really sucks. I was playing well for a while and, between winnings and bonus, I was able to cash out $200 bucks last month that was going to go towards a Disney World vacation in 2008. Now it'll put food on our table instead.

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God, I hate Baltimore. It’s full of stupid, lazy people who don’t care about anything. It’s amazing anything gets done here. While the people in my office are competent and work hard, for the most part, most of the other agencies and ALL the city government offices I’ve come in contact with are inefficient and ridiculously ineffective.

For example, it’s taken three years for a residential agency to get a form completed for a consumer who wants to join Special Olympics. THREE YEARS! And that’s with me and the person’s mother whipping and flogging them like stubborn oxen. Come to think of it, I’m still not sure if the person’s signed up yet.

Between the snobbish, nouveau riche who follow the most hateful brand of conservatism, where everyone is either a patriotic rich person like themselves or living only to serve them and the feral, out of control urban population which has not the least shred of politeness, shame, or a sense of civility, Baltimore is full of the most unpleasant, rudest people I've ever had to associate with. (And I grew up in South Central Pennsylvania- you'll know you're there when people go out of their way NOT to hold the door for you.)

Bah, I'm in a bad mood today! My arm freaking hurts-feels like it's not a part of me. I'm actually counting down the days until my surgery.

Percocet: A Warning

Okay it's like this: I have a ruptured disk in my neck. On of the fragments is pushing against the root nerve that runs to my right arm. Numbness, cramping, extreme uncomfortableness, yada yada yada.

Surgery in a couple weeks. Whatever.

In the meantime, my doctor prescribed me percocet and muscle relaxants for the pain. Mmm, drugs, you dull the pain.

percocet+muscle relaxants=good times!

Percocet, besides making you feel all warm and squishy inside (I knew when it kicked in because I'd have to hug the Mistress and tell her how I'll love her until the end of time) causes an unintended consequence. A side-effect, if you will.

Intractable, unbearable, mindbending constipation.

I found this out last night as I sat on the pot for an hour, pushing, panting, sweating, all with no production. I adjusted my posture, rocked back and forth, even got in the shower and aimed the jets at the place where it would do the most good. All to no avail. I would have better luck trying to push my house an inch to the right.

Thoughts of emergency rooms, having the Mistress test our marital bonds by administering an enema (I ran that by her afterwards and she said 'hay-ell no,') or, worse, going out like Elvis. Panicked, exhausted, I got the phone and called my mommy.

I know. I know. But she's a nurse too, okay?

With only minimal snickering, she gave me directions.

"Go to the drugstore and get Senekot (laxative) and Colace (stool softener.)"

"Okay, but what about my immediate problem?"

She told me.

"Wha, What?!"

She told me again.

"Well God damn."

"It's your only option, unless you want to get an enema..."

"No way." I said. "Okay, I'll do it. Um, I won't have a heart attack will I? I've heard that you can doing that."

"No, don't be silly."

I assured her I'd let her know how everything panned out, hung up, and did the unthinkable:

I administered, well, I administered digital assistance.

I couldn't look myself in the mirror for the rest of the night.

However, I was the recipient of one of the most emptying, mind clearing movement ever. It was one of those that makes you take stock of your life and realize that you've never been so in touch with the universe as you are at that moment. It makes you gather the family and reaffirm your eternal devotion t them.

So, a word of warning! If you're taking percocet, make sure you eat plenty of fiber, drink a lot of water, and take a stool softener regularly!

The Myth of Full Tilt

I wasn't really surprised by it, but it did take me some time to realize the inside joke at Full Tilt:

The pros aren't there to help you learn to play, they're there to help themselves to your money!

It's painfully obvious that Ivy, Hanson, and the like are bothered by the hoi paloi and are interested only in harvesting the cash of whales.

Sure, once in a while, someone like Allan Cunningham will play a bunch of low limit games, as he did last night. Yet, he wasn't interested in chatting, just playing. He might have been a tad bitter having to be exposed to variance to such an unusual (for him) degree.

Lately, I've been trying to get some of the pros to sit down at my limit. I've either been ignored (chat probably turned off) to "maybe, let me finish the SNG I'm in." No FT pro has showed up yet.

Look, I understand where they're coming from. Unlike most of us, their job is, simply, to make money. Time spent donking and pressing the flesh in 1/2 limit is time that they could be earning.

Yet, I think they'd be doing themselves a favor if they acted the part of promoter once in awhile. Yeah, it's fun watching Ivy methodically stack someone- for about five minutes. To be stacked by Ivy? I doubt I'd get enough of that.

So, come on guys, sit at my table once in a while!

Just as an aside, does Lederer, Harman, Clonie Gowen, and Eric Siedel even PLAY on Full Tilt anymore? Does Lederer play ANY poker anymore?

Ted Haggard...is a Gay

It's true, one of the Holiest men of all time, arbiter of the moral, judge of the infidel, enemy of homosexuality, and nanny to the state, Ted Haggard is a gay drug addict.

This latest piece of...what? Hypocrisy? Hypocrisy's a good word- has motivated me to pen a letter to the Kristian Konservative Kommunity:

Dear Wing-Nuts,

Clearly, you have lost the culture wars. Your leaders, the self-appointed, Taliban-esque morality watchdogs have been corrupted, your inner councils infiltrated by sin. You have proven to be weak in the face of base, worldly temptations, and your attempts to protect yourselves from sin by outlawing vice will end on November 7th.

You have only one viable option. Return to the philosophy you had twenty years ago: withdraw from the sinful world as much as possible. Retreat to communes in Utah and Alabama, where you can be free to inbreed, handle snakes, and rail against homosexuals (while buggering each other in secret) out of earshot of rational people.

Leave us mired in the sin of democracy, science, logic, tolerance, and religious freedom. Let us damn ourselves with Howard Stern and online poker. Obviously we can't be saved and you can't help us without ending up in the mud as well.

Oh well, it's been fun. Don't worry, we can trot you out every once in a while for a laugh. I'm sure the media will show us snippets of your sideshow-like existence in "News of the Weird" columns.

I will have to pick on fiscal conservatives from now on. Not that hard, but they at least use logic, and they don't usually crash and burn so dramatically and satisfyingly.

Yours in Jebus,
CL

Don't think We're Close?

Editor: Can someone give me some info on how I can sell my FTP points? I'm amassing a good bit of them and I'd like to get some ducats for them instead of a crappy hat.

President Bush said on Monday, in effect "If you vote Democrat, the terrorists win."

You don't think we're close to having presidential critics detained as 'enemy combatants?' You don't think there will be violence against Democrat politicians and supporters?

Get your head out of the sand.