Friday, November 03, 2006

Ted Haggard...is a Gay

It's true, one of the Holiest men of all time, arbiter of the moral, judge of the infidel, enemy of homosexuality, and nanny to the state, Ted Haggard is a gay drug addict.

This latest piece of...what? Hypocrisy? Hypocrisy's a good word- has motivated me to pen a letter to the Kristian Konservative Kommunity:

Dear Wing-Nuts,

Clearly, you have lost the culture wars. Your leaders, the self-appointed, Taliban-esque morality watchdogs have been corrupted, your inner councils infiltrated by sin. You have proven to be weak in the face of base, worldly temptations, and your attempts to protect yourselves from sin by outlawing vice will end on November 7th.

You have only one viable option. Return to the philosophy you had twenty years ago: withdraw from the sinful world as much as possible. Retreat to communes in Utah and Alabama, where you can be free to inbreed, handle snakes, and rail against homosexuals (while buggering each other in secret) out of earshot of rational people.

Leave us mired in the sin of democracy, science, logic, tolerance, and religious freedom. Let us damn ourselves with Howard Stern and online poker. Obviously we can't be saved and you can't help us without ending up in the mud as well.

Oh well, it's been fun. Don't worry, we can trot you out every once in a while for a laugh. I'm sure the media will show us snippets of your sideshow-like existence in "News of the Weird" columns.

I will have to pick on fiscal conservatives from now on. Not that hard, but they at least use logic, and they don't usually crash and burn so dramatically and satisfyingly.

Yours in Jebus,
CL

2 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

Beautiful letter, C.L.

4:57 PM  
Blogger C.L. Russo said...

I'll probably never send it, sigh.

5:27 PM  

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