Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Percocet: A Warning

Okay it's like this: I have a ruptured disk in my neck. On of the fragments is pushing against the root nerve that runs to my right arm. Numbness, cramping, extreme uncomfortableness, yada yada yada.

Surgery in a couple weeks. Whatever.

In the meantime, my doctor prescribed me percocet and muscle relaxants for the pain. Mmm, drugs, you dull the pain.

percocet+muscle relaxants=good times!

Percocet, besides making you feel all warm and squishy inside (I knew when it kicked in because I'd have to hug the Mistress and tell her how I'll love her until the end of time) causes an unintended consequence. A side-effect, if you will.

Intractable, unbearable, mindbending constipation.

I found this out last night as I sat on the pot for an hour, pushing, panting, sweating, all with no production. I adjusted my posture, rocked back and forth, even got in the shower and aimed the jets at the place where it would do the most good. All to no avail. I would have better luck trying to push my house an inch to the right.

Thoughts of emergency rooms, having the Mistress test our marital bonds by administering an enema (I ran that by her afterwards and she said 'hay-ell no,') or, worse, going out like Elvis. Panicked, exhausted, I got the phone and called my mommy.

I know. I know. But she's a nurse too, okay?

With only minimal snickering, she gave me directions.

"Go to the drugstore and get Senekot (laxative) and Colace (stool softener.)"

"Okay, but what about my immediate problem?"

She told me.

"Wha, What?!"

She told me again.

"Well God damn."

"It's your only option, unless you want to get an enema..."

"No way." I said. "Okay, I'll do it. Um, I won't have a heart attack will I? I've heard that you can doing that."

"No, don't be silly."

I assured her I'd let her know how everything panned out, hung up, and did the unthinkable:

I administered, well, I administered digital assistance.

I couldn't look myself in the mirror for the rest of the night.

However, I was the recipient of one of the most emptying, mind clearing movement ever. It was one of those that makes you take stock of your life and realize that you've never been so in touch with the universe as you are at that moment. It makes you gather the family and reaffirm your eternal devotion t them.

So, a word of warning! If you're taking percocet, make sure you eat plenty of fiber, drink a lot of water, and take a stool softener regularly!


Blogger Mattastic said...

Best of luck for the operation firstly and also good luck when the Senekot kicks in my friend. The word "Deluge" will not do it justice I can assure you!

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope your recovery is quick and not painful...

digital assistance... damn I almost shat myself while reading that....

2:33 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Good luck, C.L. I had a ruptured disk in my lower back years ago and it was the most excruciating pain I have ever had in my life. At least until sweet, sweet percocet came into the picture. :-)

I was on it for 3 months until I had the surgery. Fortunately I did not have the troubles that you did. Take care, man.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

Hi. C.L.

Just wanted to let you know that I moved my blog to www.countingmyouts.com. Could you update your link to it on your blog?

Stop by and let me know how things are going. Take care.

4:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My name is Monica Stone and i would like to show you my personal experience with Percocet.

I am 35 years old. Have been on Percocet for 7 days now. It did help the pain but the side effects weren't worth it. I'd rather have the pain.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
nausea, very itchy, racing heart, anxiety, flashing lights(almost hallucinogenic?), weird dreams, tiredness

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Monica Stone

Percocet Prescription Information

10:14 AM  

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